16 bars......rate/hate....?

Question

I've been in a writing frenzy, so rate, hate, comment, etc....Subject matter on this one may be a little harsh but, it's what I felt like at the time.

Every night I close both my eyes, in our broke oath I die/
I face crossroads, and eyes, on a barcodes thin lines/
I see the truth the false holds in lies, as I’m lost holding signs/
Inside my own cross choken mind, striking the page to dot the top open I’s/
On a letter using I like you as a broken metaphor, for the love I’m set up for/
I’m laying on my bed or floor, dead since there’s nothing better for/
A broken heart, I knew this since I saw the doctor’s open chart/
My fate in God was lost when I heard about a child stuck in a park/
Killed by a dog, guess it’s bite was worse than its f*cking bark, nothing marks/
The soul better, than a girl about jump while her parents say “so let her”/
Used to be a go-getter, used to know better, used to be in love when I wrote letters/
Now I know cutters, cold mothers, old lovers, and now I think like no other/
I used to think hope flutters, now hope shutters, and dies alone/
As pain lies at home, in my mind, as an aspect of time/
You look as if surprised, since it’s just a last pact of lies/
I’ve given up on religion, since the hunter released the crow just to shoot the pigeon/

Answer 1

I liked this, a lot of emotion behind it, and the rhyme scheme is good. Just get a good flow behind your lyrics and you have the potential to be great.



8.5/10

Answer 2

chuffed BIrthday!!! On mine, 3/6/'05 went up the block to my sister's domicile. her husband become cooking dinner, so I had a fowl leg and cornbread. my terrific pal observed as to declare chuffed birthday. To on the present time, i choose an excellent, formal social gathering, like the candy 16s we hear approximately growing to be up, and prefer the candy 16s on MTV, actually, that coach debuted good until now I grew to become sixteen. i did not think of I did something particular, even even with the shown fact that it become nonetheless sturdy. I advise, the nutrition become sturdy, and that i would not are growing to be to be it at my domicile. actually, i think of that the reason I went to my sister's domicile become because of the fact my mom and that i had a controversy. And, the actual undeniable fact that my terrific pal observed as,...that become 3 and a nil.5 years in the past and that i not often get to speak to her anymore. She's miles away in college, and we've long previous months with out speaking. actually, final night become the terrific & longest convo in view that i'm able to even keep in mind. So, those little issues that day particularly meant something, no count how little, or extremely, how plenty bigger I choose they have been.

Answer 3

Nah it's good, id check out a hardcore dark beat for it....7.5/10 I thought the last couple lines were a little off, but good, way better then anything i've done

Answer 4

N/A out of 10

Answer 5

Pretty impressive, you remind me of some rapper I just can't figure out who.



Edit: Maybe its Black Thought.

Answer 6

Its dope.



Dude, check out this question. Its funny as hell:

https://answersrip.com/question/index?qid=20090407150152AAlrWSq

Answer 7

Its really good. How long did it take you to write it?

Answer 8

def. not hate.



rate-8.5//10



<3

Answer 9

yo man this is pretty sweet