Ok I made these rap lyrics what do you think its about and rate it too?

Question

I used the 1st verse from one of my questions I asked early. Rate it and tell me what you think its about.
--------------------------------------------

Mentally unstable governments fall apart
Certainly not able stubborn politicians
Trying to sweet talk us into war like a girl
Trying to sweet talk me into her little world
Does the damn government remember the great man
The great freedom fighter who was left on a cross
Nails in his hands he died for our debaucheries
Why do we just keep sinning that’s all I damn see
Did he die just in vain? Did we enjoy his pain?
Did you ever think that rain is God sad crying
Cuz he reluctantly knows we’re going to hell
Kids going to jail for a bite they had to steal
For the bare necessities we sin to survive
Survive to sin today I get negative vibes
I will sin I know it today it’s part of life
It’s live or die and still suffer eternal strife

[Hook]
The world today is pretty ****** up
Everything to me is like Kryptonite
Cuz last night I got into combat
With my fist even though I live above that
I usually do lyrical combat on a mic’
I don’t care I say what I like
So let me say this now

Guns, drugs, death, disease the whole world is on it’s knees
The day we all die is here we’re gonna have peace
Judgment day is on the horizon do not run
I’m no prophet but these are the visions I get
I’m not religious but this is real **** today
Kids running away from parents that abuse them
Then they find pot, and heroin and start to use them
Needles break in there skin look at the world we’re in
STDs, disease, viruses are all in us
Spreading from one to thousands in every human
Underage pregnancies leading to abortions
Every damn women today can be a whore man
I don’t care what you say what you do it’s damn true
We are all animals with the basic instincts
To just damn feed, mate, kill and finally repeat
Humanity is gone since we lost our sanity

[Hook]
The world today is pretty ****** up
Everything to me is like Kryptonite
Cuz last night I got into combat
With my fist even though I live above that
I usually do lyrical combat on a mic’
I don’t care I say what I like
So let me say this now

I’ve seen things in front of me they’re hard to believe
Murders saying abra-cadaver when they stabbed her
Only questions no answers after they found her
Ashes to ashes bastard and bastards everywhere
How many wars will finally quench your thirst for blood?
Father like son that’s what they say maybe it’s true
I really don’t know but it is for you
He wanted a war then you made it more and more
You attention whore “Daddy Daddy look at me!
“I made this war you wanted no matter what the cost”
“Look at it now daddy I made it a holocaust”
You dictator your no leader we damn hate you
You’re just like Adolf Hitler, or a wife beater
I’m delighted your rain is almost over
I’m gonna have to go with Barack on this one
Because he will be way better when your gone

Answer 1

Wow, whitey can rap! ^_^

Answer 2

A couple things



Step up your rhyme scheme



So George Bush equals Adolf Hitler? I'm no fan of Bush, I'm no fan of government in general, but that is extreme hyperbole.



You really think Barack Obama will be way better? For someone who was supposed to be a different breed of politician, as soon as he won the Democratic nod he began to go back on his word, change positions, and cater to his corporate sponsors just like every other big party politician out there. Does he represent change? Yes, but it's a token change. A black man as president would be symbolic, but will he really make that much of a difference? He already has shifted his views around on the war.



But forget the political ****. I give you a 5/10. The rhymes need a ridiculous amount of work (no offense), the ideas and messages are there, and the political manipulation could be reasoned better.

Answer 3

There really arent verses because nothing divides them and they have no basic flow. The lines should be at or exactly the same length at the same part of a verse and in rap two lines are usually simple couplets. I actually started the other day and wrote on pretty quickly yedterday and today. Add an intro, a chorus (hook), even the lines, and make more couplets and you should be good. Listen to rap often to get the structure of it. And I'm 15.

Answer 4

That was the ****, man. I got goosebumps. If you record that, tell me about it. Props.



Edit: Yo I just saw your name, and I know a lot of white guys that can rap. Check out El-P sometime, I think he might be your style.

Answer 5

This shitt is pretty iight. I'm giving it a 7 only because I can't "hear" your flow. Also, the last verse can use more work. Another suggestion, use metaphors. :- )

Answer 6

Dang! That was completely amazing! I give it a 10! You're definitly gonna get somewhere in your life! Let me know if your record it, too!

Thanks!

Answer 7

Dumb it down its cool 7/10



but theres a part when you are too lyrical for it to be a good song

Answer 8

I'll still give you a 7!

Your good though

Answer 9

good 7.5/10 lost flow in places

Answer 10

I hate rap, but I like what you have to say here. Maybe it would make a better "real" song, with a melody... maybe a metal song with some screaming guitars? That would kick ***, and what better time for your message!

Answer 11

that was pure fire!!! wen ever you record that gimme a heads up i gota get that ish on my ipod!

Answer 12

is good